This is my first blog post in quite a while. I took a few months off because I couldn’t really think of anything to write about, and I really just didn’t feel like writing anyway.
It was a cool summer. It was a cruel summer. Good and bad. I have made great progress in a lot of areas. I was able to lose nine pounds, or six percent of my body weight, which has made a big difference in my A1C number. Goal met! Happy Doctor! I have also made great progress in my personal life, thanks to friends for support and encouragement, and also in my mental life.
You see, for the past several years I just felt a bit off. I’ve been way too stressed, which leads to all kinds of issues, and just builds into depression. A couple of years ago I began to realize that, and I started taking St. John’s Wort. Which helped (some), for a while. After a rough winter and spring, and then a summer of highs and low lows, I had finally had enough. I admitted to myself that I was suffering from depression.
For years I believed that if just a couple things would go right for once I would be happy again, I could make myself happy again. I was determined that I didn’t need medication to give me a “false” sense of happiness. I was convinced that it wasn’t good for you, and caused all sorts of other, worse problems.
Boy, was I wrong.
On September 4th, I went to see my doctor.
We discussed some options, and he decided that we’d try a low dose of Lexapro. I practically ran to the pharmacy. I took my first dose that evening, and went to bed. I slept like a rock for the first time in weeks. Everyone said it would take two or three weeks to get adjusted to the medicine. The very next morning I knew it was already working.
It was an incredible eye-opening epiphany. I absolutely was not expecting to feel such a difference, especially after just one dose. I felt the stress melt away, the tightness that had always been present in my chest for the past several years was gone, or nearly so; I felt I could finally relax, and that it was ok to relax.
I seemed to have more energy, at least until noon when I started to crash big time. I ended up having to leave work early and go home and nap. The next few days were the same, as I adjusted I ended up needing a nap on the afternoon, but that need diminished, and only lasted a few days.
This has been a profoundly wonderful experience.
I am a happier, better adjusted person. It’s not a drug induced haze of happiness, either. I had feared that. It is a REAL change, a real feeling that I can indeed handle what comes next, and that its okay. I am thinking clearer. I am viewing the world and the life events around me clearer, and much more rationally.
Much. More. Rationally.
I am sad that I wasted so much time and energy by way of my denial for so long, but I’m happy that I finally overcame my denial. There was something that went wrong with me, mentally, I guess. And its okay to admit it.
You’ll have to pry this bottle of Lexapro out of my cold, dead fingers, because I’m NOT going back to that person I had become, that person wasn’t me.