HAPPY. =^D

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This is my first blog post in quite a while.  I took a few months off because I couldn’t really think of anything to write about, and I really just didn’t feel like writing anyway.

It was a cool summer. It was a cruel summer.  Good and bad.  I have made great progress in a lot of areas.  I was able to lose nine pounds, or six percent of my body weight, which has made a big difference in my A1C number.  Goal met!  Happy Doctor!  I have also made great progress in my personal life, thanks to friends for support and encouragement, and also in my mental life.

You see, for the past several years I just felt a bit off.  I’ve been way too stressed, which leads to all kinds of issues, and just builds into depression.  A couple of years ago I began to realize that, and I started taking St. John’s Wort. Which helped (some), for a while.  After a rough winter and spring, and then a summer of highs and low lows, I had finally had enough.  I admitted to myself that I was suffering from depression.

For years I believed that if just a couple things would go right for once I would be happy again, I could make myself happy again.  I was determined that I didn’t need medication to give me a “false” sense of happiness.  I was convinced that it wasn’t good for you, and caused all sorts of other, worse problems.

Boy, was I wrong.

On September 4th, I went to see my doctor.
We discussed some options, and he decided that we’d try a low dose of Lexapro.  I practically ran to the pharmacy. I took my first dose that evening, and went to bed.  I slept like a rock for the first time in weeks.  Everyone said it would take two or three weeks to get adjusted to the medicine. The very next morning I knew it was already working.
It was an incredible eye-opening epiphany.  I absolutely was not expecting to feel such a difference, especially after just one dose.  I felt the stress melt away, the tightness that had always been present in my chest for the past several years was gone, or nearly so; I felt I could finally relax, and that it was ok to relax.
I seemed to have more energy, at least until noon when I started to crash big time.  I ended up having to leave work early and go home and nap.  The next few days were the same, as I adjusted I ended up needing a nap on the afternoon, but that need diminished, and only lasted a few days.

This has been a profoundly wonderful experience.

I am a happier, better adjusted person.  It’s not a drug induced haze of happiness, either.  I had feared that.  It is a REAL change, a real feeling that I can indeed handle what comes next, and that its okay.  I am thinking clearer.  I am viewing the world and the life events around me clearer, and much more rationally.

Much. More. Rationally.

I am sad that I wasted so much time and energy by way of my denial for so long, but I’m happy that I finally overcame my denial.  There was something  that went wrong with me, mentally, I guess.  And its okay to admit it.

You’ll have to pry this bottle of Lexapro out of my cold, dead fingers, because I’m NOT going back to that person I had become, that person wasn’t me.

I am ME again. I am happy.
Watch out!  😀
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